Strange. Deviant. Evil. Corrupted.
Just a few words the old me of a decade ago probably would’ve used to describe the person I am now, and he would be right. I became the exact kind of person the old me swore I never would.
How did that happen you may wonder? How did the model born-again youth group kid turn into what I am now?
Every single person is unique and amazing with souls like burning stars in the night sky, scattered about, each with their own color and intensity. There are some stars that shine out like a supernova, expanding and evolving constantly in rainbows and light. Like the gravity of a star, the lives of people push on and influence those around them. Some people, out of fear or jealously, try to push and pull on those around them to all shine with the same heat and color.
If you try to contain and restrict a soul like that, the only result is pain. That is what happens when you try to force someone to conform to arbitrary rules and constraints that could never fit them. Some people are just born that much differently, some become that way through trials and pains of life, and still others are a bit of both.
My soul has always wanted to burn bright. Growing up I was always a little different in many ways. I did try my best to fit in with what others around me, many of whom loved and cared for me, thought was best. What confused me was how most of the people I knew easily followed the beliefs and restrictions I struggled with and did so contentedly, joyously even, but for me it felt like being in a skin that wasn’t my own. Now if you’ve read any of the rest of my blog you’re probably familiar with my exciting tales of self discovery, but just like the chapters in a book our lives can go through periods where we learn more about life and ourselves just as if we turned a page.
I always wondered why the idea of the perfect christian family felt so dull and bleak to me. Sure, that might be just the right fit for some people and there’s nothing wrong with that. However happy relationships can exist in many different ways; for some people that might be the classic one man, one woman, and a “quiver-full” of children. For others, it might be a throuple of three girls and their goofy black lab.
Notice how that last part was a bit specific.
Love and Fate. Two forces that sometimes clash, and other times flow together. You can know someone for years and feel that pull, that yearning in your heart for something more than just friendship, but fate says no. Later you might meet someone else, for me that girl turned out to be my soulmate. We started a life of our own together, each day more in love with each other than the last. As relationships and love go on, you grow more intimate with your partner inside and out, learning more about each other. In our case, one day we both finally told each other that we thought we might be polyamorous. Yeah, at pretty much the same time. What subsequently followed was us also admitting that we both had a crush, on the same girl no less. A short time later, that girl also happen to come out as poly to my wife.
Everyone has regrets in their lives, but sometimes fate gives us a chance to wipe a regret clean. That friend I wanted to confess my feeling to years before, despite fate and my own fears not letting it be so? I not only had a chance to redo that moment, but my wife got to share the joy (and anxiety) of asking her out together. As you could probably guess, she said yes. What followed next was a lot of hugs, good conversations and opening our hearts to each other.
Much like a supernova burns in a myriad of colors and hues, so does love burn with different colors. The symbol most commonly associated with polyamory is a heart with the infinity symbol across it, since being in love with more than one person doesn’t mean you’re splitting or dividing your love. Some of us just have a lot of love to give, and we all express it in different ways. Everyone has their own love languages and ways of showing affection and intimacy.
Even though we all know that our time as partners may not be forever, we don’t care. Just because some things aren’t permanent doesn’t mean they’re not worth living for the time that they are. Some people are joined together forever on the journey of life like fixed stars in the night sky, others join them for a while like a blazing Comet and their colors burn even brighter together. For today at least, the three of us are together, we love each other, and we’re living our lives and making memories that we’ll cherish forever. Because that’s the thing about polyamory: it isn’t just fun dates or sex or joking about who has the braincell for the day. It’s about love.