You’d think by the time someone reaches 25, they’d have a pretty good idea of life and all that comes with it. You’d think they know what it means to be happy, to be loved unconditionally.
……that is unless they grew up with parents who wholeheartedly believe a denomination of Christianity that’s only a few steps short of being a cult, an in particular an abusive, emotionally manipulative mother who can see the wrong in everyone but herself.
But then, I met someone who taught me what unconditional love really is. When my wife and I first met, I had barely started transitioning out of fear of my parents, and at that point in my life I thought that finding someone who could love me for me was just a dream I would never attain. Oh how wrong I was.
I used to think the idea of soulmates was ridiculous, until I met Sarah. We fell deeply in love with each other, I moved out of my parents in September of 2021, and the two of us got married in our apartment that Christmas with two of our closest friends as witnesses. She has been by my side through everything; from my depression episodes, to shopping for a new wardrobe, to getting high together and laughing at corny movies. Someone who “goes all ways” like me, she reminds me all the time that she loves me for me, no matter how I look or what my transition involves. She’ll just look me right in the eyes and tell me “I love you, Amity Rose.” I’ve never felt so loved, so comfortable, so safe as I feel when I’m with her.
Last summer, the two of us nervously came out (to each other) that we thought we might be polyamorous. Not surprised we came out to each other at the same time, I mean we did also propose to each other at the same time. We also both had a crush on the same girl, who we later asked out. That relationship ended up not working out. Surprising, how you can know someone for 6yrs and they manage to turn into a completely different person when they get comfortable.
During that time however, I had also asked out a friend who was also poly and I had growing feelings toward. Her name is Cassiopeia. A nurse, the two of us bonded over medical humor, but were still very shy. So shy in fact that Sarah and Cass’s girlfriend, Laura, began essentially scheming to get the two of us to kiss. They were ultimately very successful. I myself an not 100% sure exactly how it happened, but over the next few months the four of us found we all had feelings for each other as well. I was perfectly content with just one life partner, and somehow I ended up with three.
One question I hear a lot about poly relationships is whether or not there’s and jealousy or fear that your partner will meet someone else that they “love more than you”. But the thing is, that’s not how love works, at least not for us. Everyone is different, and we all love each other in different ways. It’s the same reason why being poly doesn’t feel like I’m splitting or dividing my love; the feelings I have towards each of my partners are individual and unique to that person. Sarah is my soulmate, and I’ll never meet another Sarah.
One of the easiest ways to explain it is flirting and love languages. Sarah is a fellow metalhead and her and I first bonded over music, Star Wars, writing, and deep conversations at 2am about our pasts and healing from trauma. Cassy and I bonded over gaming, medical nerdery, other shared interests. Laura and I love talking about Warhammer 40k lore, sending cute emojis to each other, or our favorite NSFW art from Tumblr. Sarah and Cassy share a passion for jewelry making. And Sarah and Laura recently went on an adorable dinner date (chauffeured by Cassy) followed by getting high and building a Star Wars Lego set together while Cassy and I watched a movie and I took a nap with my head in her lap.
I think the feeling of being so overwhelmingly loved first hit me a few months ago. I was having a really bad depressive episode (“bad brain days” as the four of us call them) and barely went between the couch and bed for the entire day, and Sarah barely had any time to breathe with a day full of meetings. When Cassy found out, she decided to (while she was also at work) have lunch delivered to us to make sure we ate something substantial. I think that’s the first time I ever broke down sobbing in front of a bowl of pasta before. Sarah loving me for who I am as a person despite my changing body, Cassy making sure I took care of myself from 80 miles away, Laura always being ready with a hug and cuddles, I’m finally understanding what it means to have people in your life who love you. Genuinely, and unconditionally.
So here we are now. Four gay idiots, a dog, and a cat. All “rescues” in our own various ways, our own little found family. There was a time I couldn’t see a future for myself past the next day, now the four of us have a goal of moving out west together so we can always be a part of each other’s lives. It feels so surreal sometimes, but feeling happy and loved is the new normal for me now. We all make each other feel so happy and cared for, each in our own special ways, and that’s what love is all about.