“TWO FOUR SIX O OOOOOOONE!” Wait, sorry this isn’t Les Mis.
Sometimes we come to realizations in life where we wonder how we didn’t figure something out sooner. Such is the case of how I figured out I was transgender and non-binary. It only took me about twenty-two years, but it’s a personal revelation I’m glad I’ve finally come to accept about myself. Looking back on my life until now, I’m surprised it took me so long.
To be honest, I probably would’ve been spared a lot of emotional stress and figured it out much quicker if it wasn’t for the environment I grew up in. I love my parents, but a conservative Presbyterian upbringing doesn’t exactly give room for the possibility that one doesn’t identify as their birth gender. When I was a lot younger I grew my hair out long and I actually got misgendered quite a bit. I secretly liked being mistaken for a girl, but I always felt I had to get angry at that because “boys were boys and girls were girls” or something along those lines. I can definitely say that it takes a while to get that kind of rhetoric out of your head.
As far back as I can remember, I’ve never liked being in pictures. I never could place my finger on it, but I always hated how I looked. Again, thanks to my upbringing, I never knew “gender dysphoria”/”body dysmorphia” was a thing, and just always vaguely disliked how different parts of my body looked.
Sometimes though, euphoria is just as much an indicator as dysphoria. As I finally started to seriously consider that I was trans, I reached out to some of my friends who, being the awesome people that they are, were very willing to help me figure out my identity more. When you’re questioning your gender identity, it’s difficult and awkward to get advice on things like makeup recommendations or feminine clothing advice when your appearance is still as a gender that socially isn’t associated with such things. One friend helped me pick out some clothes, another helped me pick out makeup, and several others gave me general advice along with a lot of encouragement. I still remember the day I sneaked several bags of clothes and makeup in from my car and tried them on. I put on a sport bra and stuffed socks behind it, looked at myself in the mirror, and nearly broke down in tears because I finally looked at least somewhat right in my own eyes. That was the moment I knew beyond any doubt.
It took me a bit to figure out exactly what my identity was, but the label I finally settled on was “nonbinary.” I don’t feel completely female, but I don’t feel completely male either. I’m somewhere in between, something that can’t fully be described by either. I am sure of the fact that I want to change how I look which, thanks to modern biochemistry, is possible. Now for once in my life I know who I am, and I’m surrounded by so many who care for and support me that even the ignorance of certain others doesn’t hurt me anymore.
-Amity
Amity,
Many blessings to you as you move forward, and discover that you are truly loved for who you are. I am grateful to know you. So proud of you!